Please Forgive Me
Why are the words, I'm sorry, so hard to say? Even when I realize I'm partly to blame I find it difficult to humble myself. I hold onto the "right" to be angry, to seek revenge, and to have things my way. 

Defensive and hurt my mind drifted to unkind thoughts. We fell asleep angry. When I woke-up the night still darkened the white covered ground two days before Easter. It was Good Friday, but nothing felt good about it at 3 a.m. Remembering the distance that separated me from my husband that lay next to me, I shouted silently from underneath the blankets looking past the ceiling, "Why God? Why can't my marriage be perfect?"

Really, I knew there was no such thing as a perfect marriage. Then I heard God's still small voice, not audible but in my head, "For the sake of the ministry endure the hardships." 

He had given me this message ten years before when I wanted to leave my marriage. He asked me back then, "Are you willing to wait ten years for the marriage you desire?" I had said yes, but now I cried out to God, "When will it be the way I want...my way?" 

In that moment God showed me how my marriage had improved over the years. Was it perfect? No. But my husband and I had grown in our relationship with each other and with God. As a family we remained united and we were building memories together. I sighed, knowing God was trying to talk to me, but I still wasn't ready to listen. I dozed off.

In the morning I grabbed my ski jacket to head out the door for some breakfast items before packing the SUV to leave Whistler behind. Arriving at the local market I discovered that the store was closed for another thirty minutes. In seconds I spotted the Starbucks. Running in from the snow I found a table where I warmed up with my hot latte. I pulled out my pocket Bible buried in my purse to open randomly to a page; the exact page where God wanted to speak to me.

I began to read, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us." (2Corin. 5:18-20)

My eyes began to water as I felt God's presence in the crowded coffee shop. He lovingly reminded me to be reconciled to my husband. Christ had humbled himself to die a brutal death on my behalf, now I was being asked to die to myself, to have a spirit of reconciliation and kindness towards my husband.

I looked down to continue reading, "We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;" (2Corin. 6:3-5).

Could I really be reading the same verse that God gave me in the early hours that morning when I woke-up to hear His voice? He was talking to me: endure the hardships for the sake of the ministry. Marriage is not easy. Pride kept me from apologizing to my husband. I confessed my sin to God and claimed His promise that I would be forgiven and purified from this sin of bitterness, resentment, and pride. (1 John 1:9)

When I returned to the condo after buying groceries I humbled myself. I gave my husband a huge bear hug. I asked, "Please forgive me for my lack of appreciation and for my bad attitude." I told him how much I appreciate all that he does for our family. I needed to focus on the positive qualities that I love about my husband. My embrace and apology melted his coldness away. I felt free. The weight of my hard heart, the wall I created, crumbled with my confession.

Rejoicing a couple days later with the resurrection power of Jesus I received another message: a reminder that with the power of the Holy Spirit I can bless others instead of get revenge. I discovered that when I bless others I am blessed. "Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." (1 Peter 3:8-9)

Praise God that the more we make the effort to humble ourselves, confess our sin, and wrap our arms around the person who acted out in anger, due to the pain we inadvertently inflicted, the more we're blessed. Are we to be a doormat? No. We must speak truth in love and take responsibility for our part of the offense.

Is there someone you need to bless by apologizing for a behavior or an attitude you are justifying? You may experience an amazing blessing when you do.

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