Forgiven
Years went by before I sat quietly praying for God to help me understand what happened the night my virginity was stolen. I journaled the details as they played back in my mind through a letter I wrote to my mother as part of my healing process. I cried my heart out to God for the night I crossed over the bridge leaving my youth behind to turn down the wide road of destruction.

I had planned on waiting until marriage to give myself to my husband. I heard in youth group the best way to start a marriage is to be sexually pure. But everything changed after my parent's divorce. 

As I wrote the letter to my mother almost twenty years after Josh raped me I remembered a conversation just days before my boyfriend had broken up with me. My mother had suggested I go on the pill. She knew I was dating an older guy and she feared I would become pregnant. She explained that older guys would expect me to have sex with them.

Years later anger poured out of me as I scribbled the memories on the page of my journal. I realized my mother had given me permission to have sex. She had told me guys expected it. Her words caused me to question the idea of the sanctity of marriage. Instead of telling me to save myself, to value myself, to honor myself she told me to give myself away.
 
I realized that when Josh pushed his way into me I never fought him, I never yelled, I never ran away, but I succumbed. I never told anyone thinking it was my fault. I should never have gone to my girlfriend's house to visit her brother when no one else was home. But was I asking for sex? I had told Josh "no", but he never listened. He took what was mine. He raped me, but I never called it rape. Could it be that I thought he expected sex and I should give it to him because of what my mother told me?

From that point on, at sixteen, I vowed that no one would dump me at my doorstep again like Josh had done. Next time I would be good in bed so I would not be rejected. When my ex-boyfriend returned to me after leaving his girlfriend I won him over sexually. I secured my place in his life by moving into his apartment before my senior year of high school. 

Although I knew he cheated on me, he smoked, he drank, and he had no ambition for his life I feared that I would never find someone else to love me. Finally after two and a half years my mother's loving words gave me confidence and courage to leave that unhealthy relationship. She said, "Kirsten, you're a special young lady and you deserve so much better than Ed. I love you and I really want you to move back home."

My mother's words changed the direction of my life. She spoke truth in love when I was heading down the wrong road with the wrong man.

I will never know why Josh stole my innocence at sixteen and left me like trash at my doorstep as he went out with another girl that night. As Jesus was nailed on the cross he said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." I believe that Josh did not fully understand the pain he was causing me. 

Josh's choice led me down a path to win a man over by being sexual. Josh is only partially to blame, as are my father's comments toward women, his infidelity, abandonment and betrayal of our family. Today I also blame the music, movies, and media that encourage women to be sexual and promiscuous. But ultimately the choice was mine. I chose to turn from God and go down the wide road that led to my destruction.

I realized I forgave Josh when I could pray God's blessings on his life. I want him to know the healing power of Jesus. And to know God's grace. Jesus died for him and for me. God showed us grace, the free gift of salvation, with Jesus death on a cross. He took the punishment of our sin. I must show Josh and others the same undeserved grace that I receive.

Are we not confused, wounded and broken children looking for love? I can now see the pain and woundedness of those who hurt me. We try to fill the God void in our lives with the temporary self-gratification of sex. I learned that only Jesus can satisfy our hearts desire for love, heal our brokenness, and help us to forgive those who hurt us.
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